Holly-weird Politics

Holly-weird Politics

If Oscars Were Given For Best Work In A State Of The Union Address

By: Rachel Marsden

Two big events took place this week: The Academy Award nominations and U.S. President George W. Bush's State of the Union address. I thought it would be fun to combine the spirit of both and give out some awards for the State of the Union speech.

- - -

Best Supporting Actor: Democratic presidential candidate Barack Hussein "Don't Call Me Osama" Obama. Right now, Obama is Hollywood's golden boy and seems to be carving out a niche as the male Oprah. He's African-American! He races through Third World countries! He takes AIDS tests in public! He confesses to Oprah that he prefers flying coach! He describes his family as "a little, mini United Nations"!

All he's missing are eyes in the back of his head. If the infamous Clinton smear machine can help it, he'll be stuck in a supporting role.

- - -

Best Foreign Language Performance: Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who clocked approximately one eye-blink every two seconds. To someone out there, this must qualify as a language.

- - -

Worst Ensemble Cast: All of the Democrats who fancy themselves patriots, yet when Bush spoke of victory in Iraq, they couldn't be bothered to get off their rumps and join the Republicans in a show of support. Even if they were worried about how the voters back home might interpret support for a win in Iraq (heaven forbid), they could have always said, "Look, it was a long speech and my butt was getting sore, okay? Even church services have more built-in stretch breaks."

- - -

The Jack Palance Award For Best "Senior" Performance: Palance did one-arm pushups at the Oscars; Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain appeared to be sawing logs during Bush's speech, while simultaneously pushing 70 years of age. Maybe he was just resting his eyes or text messaging his pals, but it's the optics that count. Americans want a leader whom they can trust to pound terrorists -- not just the snooze button on his alarm clock.

- - -

Best Adapted Screenplay: President Bush finally took all the leftists by the hand and spelled out how the current movie playing in Iraq affects America and the west: "And out of chaos in Iraq, would emerge an emboldened enemy with new safe havens ... new recruits ... new resources ... and an even greater determination to harm America. To allow this to happen would be to ignore the lessons of Sept. 11th and invite tragedy."

Somehow, leftists have no problem deciphering Noam Chomsky's convoluted gibberish, but couldn't complete a simple connect-the-dots exercise on a Chuck E. Cheese menu.

- - -

The Lassie Memorial Award For Leftist Bone Throwing: Speaking of technological developments to reduce America's dependency on foreign oil, Bush added that "they will help us to confront the serious challenge of global climate change." As I sat at home freezing in -13C weather and listening to Bush's knee-slapper, I wondered why the enviro-fascists always seem to require more convincing when it comes to the dangers of terrorism and the importance of fighting it in Iraq, yet don't hold their man-made glo-bull warming theory to the same standard.

- - -

Token Dead Guy Award: No award show is complete without one of these. Al-Qaida's Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is busy dirt napping, but had a cameo in the speech: "We will sacrifice our blood and bodies to put an end to your dreams, and what is coming is even worse."

Maybe one of his Hollywood sympathizers can accept the award on this drama queen's behalf.

PUBLISHED: TORONTO SUN (January 29/07)