Rating The US Presidential Wannabes

Rating the US Presidential Wannabes

By: Rachel Marsden

If you happened to miss the latest set of U.S. presidential debates this week -- possibly because you mistook them for a boring game show as you channel surfed by -- here's an up-to-date guide to the interesting candidates.

DEMOCRATS

Hillary Clinton: The Democratic frontrunner by a long shot -- partly because she's relegated her bra burning Vagina Monologue posse to licking the windows of her glass closet, and also because her competition is pathetic. Clinton says her husband would be a great ambassador to the world. They could be like the real life Wonder Twins from that "Super Friends" cartoon. HillBilly Clinton: Transforming their politics, views -- and in Hillary's case, her accent -- to suit any audience or situation.

Barack Obama: In case you haven't noticed, Obama is black. Not that it should matter to anyone except bigots -- but he's constantly reminding us. This week, Saint Barack dredged up the 1992 Rodney King riots in Los Angeles: "Those 'quiet riots' that take place every day are born from the same place as the fires and the destruction and the police decked out in riot gear and the deaths." If you're not in a time warp, then you're in the wrong country's election, buddy. Socialist French presidential candidate, Segolene Royal, called. She wants her talking points back.

A high-profile Hollywood actor recently told me Obama was his guy because "he screws up just like me and isn't afraid to admit it." So now you have to do time on Oprah's couch before you can be president? Here's hoping Obama gets comfy and stays there.

John Edwards: I think Edwards actually wants to be the "vice-president, marketing" of a Fortune 500 company. He's always talking about how much he hates the "war on terror" bumper sticker slogan. Then how about coming up with one that will make them not want to kill us?

Twice, Edwards blew $400 on a haircut, and has made thousands of dollars from speaking engagements. Fine by me -- it's still cheaper than having him go back to chatting up juries as a medical malpractice trial attorney.

Dennis Kucinich: Forget politics -- Kucinich needs a gig at Comix. When I brought up the issue, on a TV show, of the English marines held captive by Iran, his response was "cheque please."

Kucinich's wife is a pretty, 30-ish Brit. He said he knew she was the woman for him when she walked into his office and looked at a "light consciousness picture," then to a bust of Gandhi, and then at him. (Note: Guys, that only works on liberal chicks.)

REPUBLICANS

Rudy Giuliani: The Republican frontrunner has managed the seemingly impossible -- getting conservatives to say, hey, he's divorced, lived with a couple of gay pals, and dressed up in drag, but he's our man. Truth is, everyone knows Rudy doesn't subscribe to the full conservative meal deal on issues like abortion or gun control -- but if faced with a terrorist, he wouldn't take him for lunch at the UN. He also put CNN's Wolf Blitzer in his place during the debate. I wish they'd shown the "second-to-second" poll on that one.

Mitt Romney: Was CEO of the Salt Lake City Olympics -- meaning he's masochistic enough for the presidency. At one time, his politics were left-leaning enough to get him elected governor of Ted Kennedy and John Kerry's state, which makes me nervous. So does the excessive hair gel.

Ron Paul: I asked Ron Paul, on a TV show, to explain how some conservatives can oppose gun control and therefore favour mutually-assured destruction, yet oppose Iranian nukes. Rather than try to reconcile why he's pro-gun, he actually said he doesn't see why Iranian nukes are a big deal, either. Yeah, okay -- next.

John McCain: If only he would be as tough on illegal immigration as he is on foreign policy. And if only he could stay awake. Unfortunately, McCain's biggest test of strength would be a week's worth of late shows at the local cineplex.

PUBLISHED: TORONTO SUN (June 8/07)