The Druzhba, or ‘Friendship’, oil pipeline is really living up to its name. All the ‘friends’ are fighting with each other. And now Hungary, worried about the EU’s slack attitude about what happens to its oil source, is saying that it’s time to deploy the army to protect it.

Critics of Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban argue that he only wants troops deployed inside the country because he’s down in the polls ahead of the April national election and he’s going to try some kind of autocratic jiu-jitsu to cancel them. Which totally ignores the fact that Ukrainian secret services are actively attacking the pipeline’s infrastructure – and there is something really fishy about the EU’s permissiveness around it.

Everyone from the Kiev Independent to French state media, France 24, has been attributing to the SBU, Kiev’s secret services, drone strikes on February 23, targeting a Russian oil pumping station serving Druzhba – citing actual SBU sources. And the EU’s position has been, “Look, it’s up to Ukraine if they want to fix it.” It’s not like they owe the EU anything, right? Just billions of euros, and counting. Can’t even get a repair job these days for that price, apparently. So Hungary’s been saying, “Hey, are you jokers going to actually do something about this? Because we’re putting our foot down on your whole ‘cash for Ukraine for European defense contractors’ charade and unilaterally canceling the next episode of your Russian sanctions unity show with a veto, until you reel in your spoiled brat foster kid.”

The EU says it would welcome the reactivation of landlocked Slovakia and Hungary’s fuel source running across Ukraine and delivering Russian oil. Funny that’s the case only now that it’s been bombed and the tap has been turned off – after years of official EU policy to ditch the Russian fuel that runs through it. But Brussels also said that it’s ultimately up to Little Zelya, Vladimir Zelensky, as to what he wants to do. Hungarian Foreign Minister Peter Szijjarto has been sounding like a waitress at Denny’s who’s fed up waiting for Little Zelya to decide what he wants while he kicks his little feet against the high chair. Queen Mommy, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, insists that he should be able to freely choose between blackmailing Hungary over oil or resuming the flow – with all the nonchalance of deciding between pancakes or a kid’s combo, even though it’s the Europeans whose interests she’s supposed to be defending and who are paying the tab. “This risks our sovereignty, and we are not willing to tolerate this in silence,” Szijjarto said. “It is very frustrating that here in Brussels they usually stand on the side of a non-EU member state against EU member states. The European Commission behaves like a Ukraine Commission, and this is unbelievable.”

So there was just an EU meeting on Wednesday to try to work all this out, and Brussels says to Ukraine, “Hey guys, let’s just double down on those repairs, ok?” And Ukraine’s like, “How about we just double down on sitting here on our backside instead, MOM.” You’re living in mom’s basement, she tells you that since you don’t have a job, how about maybe fixing some of that stuff you broke around the house – and Zelensky’s going, “No thanks,” – and goes back to trolling Hungary. So mom shrugs: “Okay, well, I tried.” Does EU association or potential membership not come with even the most basic obligations not to chew the furniture?

Apparently, Ukraine put its official position in a letter to the EU that was like a bingo card of the bloc’s buzzwords, talking about the need for unity, non-discrimination, and cooperation – mostly just when it comes to Ukraine. It also said that Russia’s watching and all this conflict just plays into Moscow’s hands. It almost sounds like Queen Ursula did the homework assignment for Little Zelya.

Kiev also says that this is all Russia’s fault, citing Russian strikes on the pipeline in late January that it’s only had, oh, an entire MONTH to repair, and totally ignoring Ukraine’s strikes from just a few days ago. Then Kiev writes, “We draw attention to the unacceptability of ultimatums and political pressure by certain member states.” A clear reference to the fact that Slovakia and Hungary are giving Kiev a swift kick to the back of its chair saying, “Look pal, better get that oil flowing if you don’t want cuts to the emergency power supply that we control.” These being the only two EU countries that still rely on this pipeline that Ukraine controls – and also the same two that are constantly speaking out about Kiev’s antics, fed up with having their chain yanked.

Kiev is acting like it has nothing at all to do with limiting Hungary’s options. And as luck would have it, what do you know – here comes the EU encouraging Hungary and Slovakia to seize Croatia’s offer to send them its non-Russian oil through the Adria pipeline instead.

What a crazy coincidence! Hungary’s Russian oil gets blocked by Ukraine, and suddenly the EU goes, “Oh well, just use this establishment-approved source of non-Russian oil from Croatia.” Sound familiar? “Too bad your cheap Russian Nord Stream fuel got blown up. Here’s Washington with some rip-off-priced gas to save the day!”

The Hungarian foreign minister seems to recall seeing the original film in this series. “And again, the same people who blew up the Nord Stream gas pipeline are blocking transport on the Friendship Oil Pipeline today. This is the case, and we cannot allow it,” Szijjarto said, according to the Hungarian press.

It seems like the only thing missing from the Nord Stream sequel, Druzhba, is the West’s latest Ukrainian pipeline-destroying superhero. Like the Marvel character we’re told blew up Nord Stream, Ukrainian Aquaman ‘Vladimir Z’. All against Zelensky’s wishes, of course. Maybe they can just call this one the ‘Druzhba Destroyer’ or ‘Captain Crude’. An easy role when the EU just stands there acting like a non-playable character yelling about ‘unity’, with limited foresight of the consequences when its interests get blown up.

If Brussels can’t at least guarantee that its own members’ energy lifelines are treated as strategic assets rather than bargaining chips, then the real damage risks being to the credibility of the EU itself.