Chatter We Won't Hear

Chatter We Won't Hear

By: Rachel Marsden

At this week's meeting of G8 world leaders, U.S. President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair had a private lunchtime conversation picked up by an open microphone.

The chat started with the U.S. President giving a "Yo, Blair" shout out to his British counterpart, and spread over the Internet within hours. Bush expressed his frustration over the current situation in the Middle East: "You see, the ... thing is what they need to do is to get Syria, to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over."

Another G8 moment saw Bush trying to give German Chancellor Angela Merkel a shoulder rub -- and Merkel shrugging him off.

In other news, Russian President Vladimir Putin planted a kiss on the bare belly of a young boy recently, saying that he "felt the urge to squeeze him like a kitten."

These world leaders really need their own reality show. Replace the speechwriters with scriptwriters, and voila.

Inspired by recent events, may I present a new show called Homey G-8:

Bush: Yo, Blair. What up?

Blair: Not much, dawg. I hear you tried giving Angie a shiatsu today.

Bush: Shiat, what?

Blair: Shhh! You already got in trouble once for talking like that.

Bush: *&^$ dawg! I don't give a *^%$. I'm a man of the people, and this is how my peeps talk. Every time I say things like ^&%$ I go up in the polls. I'm Ozzy Osbourne!

Bush: Did you see that picture of Angie's bum in the Brit tabloids?

Blair: Yeah, it said "I'm Big in the Bumdestag."

Bush: Reich-teous!

Stephen Harper: Bonjour mes amis. Votez pour moi.

Bush: What the ...?

Blair: Yeah, he did that in front of Queen Liz the other day, too. It's his big entrance on the world stage and he thinks he's doing a high school play in Saint-Jean sur Richelieu.

French President Jacques Chirac: Mon dieu, I think there's blood dripping from my ears.

Putin: I like Steve's belly. It's all pudgy and soft like a kitten's. Has anyone seen my Thriller CD and glitter glove?

Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi: Screw Michael Jackson. Elvis karaoke time!

Bush: Sing it, Zumi! I took Z to Graceland. He can really shake it like the King. Hey, where's Kofi?

Harper: Coffee?

Bush: No, stand down, Steve.

Harper: My mom said not to call me that.

Blair: How often does he have to be wound up?

Bush: Less than Al Gore.

Blair: Say, old chum, where is that Gore fellow anyway?

Bush: Oh, he's busy harnessing the magic of Hollywood to bring PowerPoint presentations to the silver screen.

Putin: It said in the Economist that this meeting was going to be about me.

Bush: Too bad, Pootie-Poot. You got showed up by a bigger attention junkie.

Blair: Hey, you Russians had a good 45-year run there, chappy. You're no match for today's terrorist psychos.

Merkel: And they say women are high maintenance.

Bush: Hey Steve-O! I hear Canada's sayin' just because you're a member of a terrorist group, doesn't mean you can't fly, because you have to prove you're a threat.

Merkel: You mean some of them are just auditing the course, like you can do at university?

Harper: Isn't Steve-O that guy from the Jackass movie? My mom's gonna be real mad now.

PUBLISHED: TORONTO SUN (July 20/06)