Nothing Says Spring Like A Cakewalk

Nothing Says Spring Like A Cakewalk

By: Rachel Marsden

NEW YORK -- Nothing says springtime like the warmer weather and school fairs. For me, the best part of my school's spring fair was always the cakewalk.

An online encyclopedia defines the cakewalk as "a traditional African-American form of music and dance which originated among slaves in the U.S. South. A cake, or slices of cake, were offered as prizes for the best dancers."

Whoops. After this column runs, it will likely be remembered as "a flagrantly racist event banned from grade schools in March 2007."

Nevertheless, in the spirit of the season, I'd like to introduce the First Annual Anti-Bush Cakewalk. The prizes are all fruitcakes -- as are the recipients.

Winner: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Cake: Extra nutty. Definitely not kosher.

Performance: The Iranian president pulled a dine-and-dash on the Russians, who are refusing to finish the Bushehr nuclear facility they're building for him until he pays his bills. What are a few outstanding invoices between comrades, right? Bloomberg News reports Iran wants to pay in Euros, while Russia is insisting on dollars. Sounds like the Russians are finally starting to understand capitalism. As for Mahmoud, I see some polonium-210 in his future.

Mahmoud also badgered the other Cold War superpower this week, when his art czar called the new Hollywood movie 300 "part of a comprehensive U.S. psychological warfare aimed at Iranian culture."

This film is based on a Frank Miller book, whose previous anti-Iranian propaganda apparently includes Daredevil, Batman, and Sin City. Remember when Batman beat the crap out of that Iranian guy? Yeah well neither do I.

Mahmoud is so out of touch that he thinks Hollywood is in cahoots with Bush. He sees conspiracy against Iranians in a comic book's film adaptation, yet holds a Holocaust denial conference because he's unable to take the death scenes from Second World War documentaries at face value.

Winner: Hugo Chavez and his leftist supporters. Cake: Group cake. Chavez gets it, and his fans have to obtain a slice from him. As always, good luck with that.

Performance: While Bush visited South America this week, the Venezuelan president followed him around like they were on tour and Bush was his opening act. He yelled, "Go home, gringo," while leftists remained stunningly silent on the racist statement, apparently demonstrating that there's no such thing as making a racist remark against white people.

Leftists ran into yet another dilemma when they realized one of the main purposes of Bush's South American tour was to promote environmentally friendly ethanol fuel and sign an alternative fuel development deal with Brazil -- a venture that's hugely detrimental to Chavez, who is dependent on oil profits.

So, who gets to take the hit -- Fidel Castro's best buddy Chavez, or Mother Earth? I bet it's like choosing between parents in a divorce for these people.

PUBLISHED: TORONTO SUN (March 18/07)