The 'Jew Hunter' Is The Star Of The New Tarantino Movie, Not Brad Pitt

The 'Jew Hunter' Is The Star Of The New Tarantino Movie, Not Brad Pitt

By: Rachel Marsden

I saw Quentin Tarantino’s brilliant WWII revenge fantasy this weekend, “starring” [sic] Brad Pitt. It seems Pitt was the only actor they bothered showing in the previews because someone felt that it would be the laziest way to get behinds (read: empty heads) into seats. The real star of the movie is the quadrilingual Austrian actor Christoph Waltz, who plays the Nazi SS colonel known as the “Jew Hunter”. I can’t wait for that to be read out at the Oscars this year when he hopefully and deservedly wins. Only Tarantino could engineer such a moment.

But I digress. What I’m getting at is that Brad Pitt didn’t carry this movie. He was overshadowed by an actor who has apparently been hiding under a rock for the past 50-plus years. But apparently Pitt is considered hot by the men of questionable taste and dubious sexual orientation in Hollywood who are the ultimate arbiters of such things. Brad Pitt is supposedly so good looking, you know, that he can cause moviegoers’ panties to spontaneously combust and burn right through the bucket of popcorn wedged between their legs.

I’m sorry, but I’m not having any of it. Maybe the fact that I’m 34 years old and have never been married suggests that I have impossibly high standards when it comes to men – standards that even Brad Pitt cannot attain – but I have never considered Brad Pitt the slightest bit attractive. It’s a question of personality for me. I find him boring. In interviews, he seems to lack the sense of humour that to me suggests intelligence. George Clooney has that humour. And when I see him in interviews beside Pitt, it’s like he’s sitting with his pretty girlfriend. Clooney cracks jokes relentlessly while Pitt laughs at his Alpha Male companion. In those moments, I don’t find myself wanting Pitt at all – rather, I find myself jealous of him.

In many of the interviews I have read, Pitt seems to enjoy talking about architecture and art. Sorry, but that’s just not hot. I’m not saying that he should go out of his way to act more manly – that’s equally annoying, watching an insecure male overcompensate to prove his masculinity – but when I hear a man speak in any sort of detail about art and architecture, I think, “This is a man who goes home at the end of a long day and washes his vagina.” A little knowledge on the subject means that a man is cultured. A lot of knowledge strongly suggests regular douching.

I like my men witty and sharp. Looking like a Ken doll from my childhood doesn’t automatically work in their favour. Ken doll (Barbie doll’s boyfriend) had no discernible male equipment. That was the take-home message for me on pretty boy from a very early age.

No one plays “stupid” better than Brad Pitt in movies. Pitt does “stupid” like Johnny Depp does “artsy”. And I don’t think it’s a stretch for Depp. Pitt has done a lot of on-screen “idiot” lately: “Inglorious Basterds” and “Burn After Reading” pop immediately to mind. This wouldn’t concern me if “stupid” was so easy to play. But Pitt’s love partner, Angelina Jolie, could never convincingly pull it off. Jolie does best in the sexy or adventurous roles. Notice a pattern here?

Verdict: Brad Pitt is not hot. And I wish Tarantino and Universal would have let the psychopathic no-name Nazi character sell the movie to those of us with a bit more depth.