Obama Inaugural Address: The Best President In The History Of The Entire World

By: Rachel Marsden

Having watched Barack Obama’s presidential inauguration, I believe I can safely say that he will undoubtedly – if he isn’t already – come to be known as the best president in the history of the entire universe. How do I know this? Because he pretty much said so in his inaugural address. So that’s that.

And let’s face it - words don’t really mean much anymore. We live in an age where terms like “genius” are bandied about to describe sports players gifted at such intellectual pursuits as “kicking” and “throwing”, or rap musicians whose primary talent lies in their ability to string many words together in rapid succession (unlike, judging by his butchering of the oath of office, the guy who’s now president). Terms like “love”, “kisses” and “xoxo” are tossed about, even between people of the same gender, making it difficult for someone like myself – who attributes actual substance and meaning to language – to determine if my dating prospects would rather prefer to go a few rounds of tongue wrestling with their buddies.

Obama, with the very first speech he gave this week as the 44^th President of the United States, proved that he is the perfect leader for the superficial moral relativists who say that he’s the “best thing that ever happened, ever, in the whole history of the entire world and universe!”, as though their worldly perspective was developed on a trip from Florida to NYC, and their historical one started the day they were born. Or for those who say, without any apparent awareness of their own racist superficiality, that it’s so great to finally see a black guy in the White House.

Esthetically, it all looks good – the hype, the gloss, the spectacle. But what happens when you parse the florid, bloated rhetoric? Let’s have a look.

“My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us…”

Come on - no, you don’t. Just a few months ago, you delivered a note to the prayer wall in Israel asking that you be saved from your own arrogance. By all indications - including this speech bashing your predecessor – the “humility salvation package” has yet to arrive.

“Every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.”

No, America has prospered during tough times because people rolled up their sleeves and got to work. No one – and I mean NO ONE, in the entire history of America – has ever said, “Wow, things are really bad right now. What would the founding fathers and the Constitution have done about this?”

“Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred.”

It sounds like you have Islamists confused with a bunch of Internet bloggers. Why not use the enemy’s actual name? They use yours: Al Qaeda’s Ayman Al-Zawahiri said recently that you’re a traitor to your Muslim roots.

“On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.”

So now when you disagree with a liberal, you’re engaging in “dogmatism” and “petty grievances” and even “strangling”? And are you talking about George Bush, here? A man who sometimes went so far out of his way to reach out to liberals – particularly on economic and immigration matters - that he risked permanent injury from overextension? Apparently so.

“For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together.”

To the shovels, comrades!

“We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.”

Ask Al Gore how that has been working out, along with his massive worldwide Coalition Of the Delusional. He’s been involved in that quagmire much longer than the USA has been in Iraq.

“And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age.”

You mean they’ll start hiring conservatives? Colleges and universities are run exclusively by liberals – which would explain the whole problem.

“And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.”

This, coming apparently without any hint of self-awareness or irony, from someone who has been insisting on bailout after bailout, with each featuring massive backroom pork barreling.

“As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals…Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake.”

Does this mean that I don’t have to take my shoes off at the airport anymore? Are the people who look like the 9/11 terrorists now free of this inconvenience, as well?

“America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.”

Who was “leading” before now? Uganda?

“With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come.”

Isn’t it supposed to be too hot out for “icy currents”? Whatever. Everyone just needs to get to work. The world is full of people of “hope and virtue” who can’t pay their rent.